"Now and Then"

Title: Now And Then
Writer: Pete Townshend
Song Lyrics:
Now and then you see a soul and you fall in love
You can't do a thing about it(repeat 3 times)

In you I saw someone that I recognized
Had no idea what was in your mind
I met your eyes and I was hypnotized
I let our lives become entwined

Now and then you see a soul and you fall in love
You can't do a thing about it
Now and then you see a soul and you fall in love
You can't do a thing about it

I feel so badly Darlin' all the timeI have tortured you so long
But I am helpless in this pantomime
I am aware that I was wrong

Now and then you see a soul and you fall in love
You can't do a thing about it(repeat 3 times)

For though you knew that I was twice your age
To make you laugh seemed you enough
I thought we'd love and then and then you'd turn the page
I'd have to suffer your rebuff
And it was me who had the most to gain
Despite the fact that I now have lost
The only love that ever caused me pain
I feel like a double head was tossed

Now and then you see a soul and you fall in love
And you can't do a thing about it(repeat 6 times)

The words to this song are my theme song for the past 6 years. I imagine they probably will be for the rest of my days.

I knew, the first time I looked into her eyes, when we were introduced. My heart skipped a beat when we shook hands. I knew the first time I saw her smile and heard her voice. Yep, I knew, and she did too. Whamo! Sparks flew like the Fourth of July fireworks...pheremones and invisible magnetic forces hit like lightening.

Herein lies the problem... neither one of us was available...as in we were both in long term relationships with other people...she for 15 years, and I for 5 1/2 years. Neither one of us were happy in our current relationships... and hang in...it gets better...(or worse...)

How did we meet? I worked with her significant other for about 4 years at the same company. They came to my house to deliver an artificial Christmas tree that they were giving to my girlfriend and I.

Almost instantly, the four of us became inseperable.

It gets weirder...My girlfriend developed a huge crush on my friend, and judging by her behavior, my friend, whom I worked with, played the game, flirting her little hiney off back...and it really looked like love was blooming between my soon-to-be ex and my co-worker friend, and between my co-worker friend's soon-to-be ex and I. This went on for about a year and a half.

Looking back, it was almost too weird to be real. Weirder than a love triangle... but it was, real that is.

Now, my girlfriend really had the hots for my co-worker (lets call her Rosie), and she had an agenda...she figured if she could pair me up with Rosie's girl (we'll call her Carrie), Rosie would naturally come to her...so...she started encouraging Carrie and I to meet secretly, go to the store and leave her with Rosie, all kinds of little manuevers to manipulate situations...

Well, needless to say, Carrie and I could not resist the "urge to merge"...it was just bigger than the both of us. None of this was planned, it all just happened.

Naturally, things on both homefronts began to crumble. We, Carrie and I, both betrayed our values by not breaking up with our current involvements before becoming "Involved" ourselves. I betrayed my own values by getting involved with my friend's girlfriend...that is like the ultimate betrayal in my eyes...But I couldn't help myself...Carrie and I were and are kindred spirits and our hearts instantly recognized each other, and melded together.

Rosie claimed ignorance to the whole thing and went over the edge when she was finally told that Carrie had feelings for me and had been with me. She did not seek out my ex, who had it bad for her, no. She stalked Carrie, harrassed Carrie, assaulted Carrie...for like 3 years...she should have gone to jail several times but Carrie couldnt get past her guilt to do anything. In reality, everyone got hurt.

To make a long story short, after the assault, Carrie had a breakdown. Up until this time, there had been no apparent signs of trouble to me. By this time, Carrie and I were living together, and I started seeing some puzzling, disturbing behavior...She had a therapist that she had been seeing since she was 18 or so, and on several occasions I called her therapist in crisis when she acted suicidal...

Come to find out, as a result of extreme abuse and neglect she had experienced as a child, Carrie suffered from Borderline Personality Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and Manic Depressive Disorder...She hid it well until she couldnt hide it any more.

We stayed together for 3 years after her breakdown. She was an extremely intelligent woman, had put herself through college and had a Bachelor's degree in computer science. She lost her job of 10 years plus due to being unable to function and dissociating at work, which her boss interpreted as drug abuse. That only made matters worse for her mental state.

I came to believe that somehow, I was making her sicker. I tried everything I could possibly think of to try to help her. What ended up happening was that I started getting sick emotionally too. I lost my self, I lost my hope, I lost my purpose...One day, I just cracked and walked out, Called my son and within a week i was in another state with him.

My intention was to take some time, both of us, to work on our own issues, and then try it again, because we both still love each other...It wasn't my intention to hurt her, but I felt like somehow we were on a downhill spiral, and I truly felt like we were both dying.

She couldn't, however, deal with the abandonment issues, and ended hooking up with my best friend of 35 years...which is where it remains today. Yes, it is true, we reap what we sow...

Carrie is doing much better and is much more functional with my best friend, who is a nurse, and an infinately patient nurturer. And, in spite of the depression and sadness, I am doing much better, too.

Now, this is the honest to God's Truth. I do not, nor could I ever regret loving Carrie. Nor can I believe that God would judge me for loving her. What I do regret is how we went about it, which I do believe was wrong and ultimately contributed to our demise as a couple.

It was not easy to tell this, nor am I particularly proud of my actions here. This is, however, the truth, and what I am trying to learn and heal from. I surely pray that I never go here and cause the pain that I have caused, ever again, and I pray that God forgives me.

Thanks for listening...

'Forever"
Though Fate has intervened, you see,
Leading separate direction the paths of we,
And miles like endless mountain's ridge
Divide the valleys without bridge,
Tears like rain, cease not to flow
Cold lonely winds through this canyon blow.
Poignant pain both sharp and dull
Pulse through these veins with not a lull.
Golden heart-strings bind our souls,
In spite of Destiny-carved goals.
My heart forever shall be thine,
And thine eternally be mine.
In spite of where our journeys lead
Sweetest love shall thrive, yes, thrive, indeed.
Tis sorrow's sting my heart embraces.
Cruel truth of loss through my spirit races.
In spite of distance and sorrow's pain,
The joys of loving you will reign,
Forever.
msp 10/07/04
Copyright ©1997-2004 LastWords.com. Literary works copyrighted by their respective authors.

True Confessions

My beloved, dyed-in-the-wool, hard core blogging son, Nicodemus, asked me last night if I had been blogging. I sheepishly hung my head and admitted that I had not blogged since last Wednsday...that I find it very difficult to blog, write or even communicate much when I am depressed...

Now picture this...

We are in the car, and he is behind the wheel....

Much to my distress, I have forgotten my crash helmet...Oh No!... anyway, here I am gripping the door handle with white knuckles, stomping my foot on my imaginary brake pedal...

And he looks at me, exclaiming, with both hands in the air, " But MOM~! That is when you SHOULD blog! "

Needless to say, we made it to our destination in one piece, thank God... (my nerves more than a little rattled...) and here I am, blogging today, in spite of myself.

I am ashamed to admit that Life feels like such a struggle to me these days, when I have so very much to be grateful for. It actually feels like an oxymoron...the struggle is between my ears... as I told you, my mind is not my friend...

The truth is, I have all that I need. God has been so good to me, and I feel deeply guilty to battle with the emotional pain that grips my heart and soul.

Our pastor told me that God can be all that I need...and I need to be praying toward that end. I have, and do...yet still this deep burning yearning sadness and emptiness...leaving me wondering what in the heck I am doing wrong here...

I can identify part of the problem...and it goes back many many years. My father, for reasons I have yet to completely understand, found it necessary to tell me often over the course of my growing up years that I was fat, ugly, useless, and that no one would ever want me. This started at a pretty young age, approximately 5 or so, and continued for most of my childhood until he died, when I was 17. Naturally, I believed him.

If there was someone in my life who wanted me, then Daddy was wrong, and I was ok...

The tragic part of this is that it didnt really matter if it was a quality someone, a kind someone, an emotionally healthy someone. Just a someone.

Initially, it had to be a male someone..."normal" was imperitive per the "family". After two horribly abusive marriages, I was so devastated and needy, it wouldn't have mattered if a little green Martian had paid attention to me and been kind...I would have been in like flynn.

It just so happened to be a female, a gay butch woman, who crossed my path and paid attention to me. She was the very first person in my entire life who ever nurtured me, and believe me, I fought the feelings that were inevitable...because in my Catholic, Christian mind, it was surely my one way ticket to hell to love a woman in this way.

Now, here I issue a challenge...Try NOT to love someone you love with all your heart, someone who brings you a cup of cool water when you have been wandering for years in the endless desert...someone who is physically, emotionally, mentally gentle with you when you had been battered over and over by every male in your life...

Didn't take long, and I was hooked. I have been in same-sex relationships since 1986...18 years. In January of this year I walked away from a relationship of 6 years with a woman I love deeply, just cant live with. I'm not going to go into that now, but leaving was the right thing for both of us. It was a God-Thing. No doubt in my mind. But this is the Truth...I miss her like crazy and I am lost without her.

That is what I think most of the time...

The real truth is, I am lost because I am alone right now and not in a relationship, scared to death Daddy dearest was right, and no one else will ever want me...no decent man has ever been interested in or wanted me...and to be brutally honest, most of the women I have been with weren't all that hot either.

I don't think I would recognize a healthy relationship if it walked up and slapped me in the head!

Here is the punch line: I am terrified that I will be cursed to live out my years desperately alone and lonely...

Tears well up and flow just thinking about it.

Enough true confessions for now...Yikes! I feel exposed now...thanks for listening, and God bless...

It worked!

Moving a muscle does change a thought...at least it has every time i have done it, anyway. And yesterday was no exception. I reread my blog for yesterday and I'm not sure I was very clear about what I was trying to say...for that I apologize, my brain isnt terribly clear either... at any rate, the point is, I made my first costume yesterday after I finished my blog...

The Church my son and I attend is doing a Christmas play that God gave to me...yes I wrote it...the very first play I've ever written...and my job at present is to make costumes and props...

Much to my own discomfort and dismay, I have lost interest..I am so totally overwhelmed, scared, and unmotivated, that here it is, Oct.20, and I dont have a clue... I never did a play before...just thinking about it makes my stomach cringe...what have I gotten myself into?

The point is, I managed to get my first costume made yesterday....its the Innkeeper's nighttime attire...made out of a sheet that I got for $1.99 minus 75% at the GoodWill...it is a kind of rustic blue and off-white stripe with a multicolored blue and brown border...

I had my good old trusty son, Nick, try it on for me, cause the fella who is playing the innkeeper is approximately his size...

My son liked it...now that is no easy feat, there, to gain his approval...my son and I are at opposite ends of the taste spectrum...if I like it, rest assured, he doesn't, and vice versa.

EI. When I moved up here to live with Nick, all of my art pictures that I dearly love, he thought were only good for fire wood!!!

Anyway, it helped my overall mood...yep...Move a muscle, change a though...a right handy little tool there!

Have a great day and thanks for listening!

Move a Muscle, Change a Thought...

It is still fairly early, on Tuesday morning. I am restless, irritable, and discontent! I have no good reason...it is just what is. So in an attempt to turn meself around today, I'm gonna write this blog, and then move a muscle, to change my thoughts!

When I was in a particularly bad place in my head, one day, a friend of mine in AA told me, "Move a muscle...change a thought"... I did it, and it worked...So that is where I am headed...

Last night, I attended the first meeting of a new Bible Study for Women..."Living Beyond Yourself"...It is being taught, or rather facilitated by our pastor's wife, whom I dearly love and respect...

I felt as out of place as a "petunia" in an onion patch..or to quote my beloved son, Nick..."a turd in a punch bowl..."

Most of the women there were young married mom's in the church. There were a couple of older women there more my age, but married, and Oh so Christian...

and then there is me...baabaa black sheep...lost in the wood.

Part of this study involves watching video of this gal who preaches...and as silly as this may sound, I cant seem to get past the volume of her voice to hear her message effectively...I am funny, that way...

Yelling, screaming, pacing preachers, be they men or women, make me shutter in my shoes...it is a direct result of how I was raised...in a violent, loud, irrational environment. I get uncomforable in the presence of any loud voices or conflict, whether I am involved or not...

And this speaker is loud, and "on fire", paces in her fervor, and makes me uncomfortabe...

I cant help but feel like if these gals knew who I really am, and where I have been, they would be very anxious for me to go away...

This is why...I am a lesbian. I cant deal with men, dont relate to them at all, have serious problems interacting with them, fear them, feel unsafe around them, and am intensly intimidated by them. ( to any males reading this, please take no offense... I don't hate men, I am just afraid of them)

This is all based on a lifetime of experience...personal experience...

And then there is God, and His Wild sense of humor...to give me 3 sons...Whom I love with all my heart, just dont understand...

I am who I am...and just because I am not in a relationship right now, doesnt change a darn thing...I am who I am...I feel like it is necessary to keep who I am, where I have been, and how I got there secret in this "Christian environment" if I want to fit in (like that was ever a possibility) or stay...

Truth...I miss my girlfriend, I miss her companionship, the stuff we used to share and do, I miss her smile, her touch, her comfort, her encouragement, her understanding. And isnt it funny how easily one forgets the problems and reasons why one had to walk away, over time...

The pastor says God can fill all my needs... I feel like I've missed the boat somewhere...because there is such a deep, hollow yearning in my entire being.

The point I am trying to make here is that just because I am not in a lesbian relationship, does not mean that that's not what I yearn for, and miss...I feel so lost...Dear God, Help me!

My Prayer Today
Lord, Let Your Glory shine through me
In all I say and do.
Heal this wounded heart of mine.
Let me seek none else but You.

Fill this hunger deep within
That none on earth can touch.
Let Faith abound where fear has reigned.
Please be my only crutch.

Bless these hands that long to serve
And make them as You Own.
Guide my feet upon Your Path
That through me, Your Love be shown.

My will and life, this day, I give
To do with as You may,
That my every thought and word and deed
Reflect Your Love today. Amen.

msp
08/26/04
Copyright ©1997-2004 LastWords.com.

"I'm a Lonely little Petunia in the Onion Patch"

Its been a long, lonely week. I am seriously struggling with loneliness, boredom, depression... and feel like I'm sinking into a deep dark pit of quick sand...Prayer feels hollow, reading the Bible holds no comfort (what does that mean?) , I am sad down to my toes cause I miss my female companion and soul mate whom I had to leave....And I keep wondering what is wrong with me...? I did the right thing, we were both dying... but now, I feel so lost, lost in an endless sea and drowning.

I have been up here with my son since January 17. I have one friend who is pretty busy and overwhelmed with her own life right now. The only real companion i have is my son's dog. My son doesnt understand me. He tries, but we come from different places, he and I... We live in different worlds.

We go to Church each week, and I truly experience God's presence and Spirit there... Why then am I so tortured at home? I feel like an apple in a case of oranges...or a lonely little petunia in an onion patch!

This blogging thing, that my son so dearly loves, leaves me feeling vulnerable and exposed, even tho I am anonymous...isnt that crazy? I am feeling pretty crazy...The steering committee that lives in my head is all riled up, everybody talking nonsense at once...yikes! Turn down the flippin volume!!!

Circles
my heart's so empty it echoes.
hollow, and crippled with pain.
Tears on the edge of flooding
thoughts hopelessly tumble insane.
this path i have traveled in circles
leads to where I seek escape.
wherever I go, there I find me
in the same miserable funky shape.
when i was yet young as the springtime
heart pure and chaste as the dawn,
Reality's harsh boney fingers
Grasped me like I was its pawn.
to this day, I remain still a prisoner
in a jail with no windows or doors
engaged in a spiritual battle,
of unspeakable internal wars.
msp
09/19/04

To Be or Not To Be...Me

I have spent very nearly my whole life trying to be anybody but me.

Why, you may ask?

Its quite simple...being "me" was never acceptible. I never met my parent's standards...on any level, even though I broke my neck trying. My efforts were just never enough. Consequently, I grew up hating who I was...always trying to be somebody else...anybody else.

(Daddy)..."You're fat and ugly, nobody will ever want you! You lazy, worthless, stupid girl! You will never amount to anything...
(Mommy)...I regret the day I ever had kids...You are JUST LIKE YOUR FATHER (sneering hateful leer)

They cursed me!

But alas, wherever I go, there I take me! ( I attribute this to God's sick sense of humor) I am who I am...

Now, I have come to realize that it is not God's Will for me to hate myself...that it is virtually impossible to have a relationship with God and hate His creation...(me).

Darkness and Light cannot dwell in the same space together...same principle.

So, my goal, today, is to be the best me I can...I took off my judge's robe and put my gavel away...Just as I try not to judge anyone else today, I try not to judge me...

My parents were sick, they were wrong, but...deep inside of me lives a damaged little girl who believes with all her heart and soul every word Mommy and Daddy ever said. She's wounded and damaged, That is where I live. My goal today is to be gentle and kind to her...to treat her with love...as My God would have me do.

Whew! What an order!

Right or wrong, thats my goal because a relationship with my Creator is the only thing that makes sense and holds any Hope for me.

Lesbian or straight, it is my belief that God loves me just as I am. If I'm wrong, I'm screwed, anyway, just like Mommy and Daddy said...

I choose to believe in God's Unconditional Love, and the Cleansing Blood of His Only Son, Jesus, and the transforming Power of the Spirit.

Today, Im just trying to be me...the best me I can be!

"Make Me a Mirror"

I can easily see Your Presence
In a flaming sunset sky.
I can clearly see Your Essence
In a fragile butterfly.
I can sense the wonder of You
In a rainbow midst the clouds.
I can sometimes even feel You
In unknown faces in the crowds.
I can feel You all about me
In the birds and in the trees.
I can hear Your Voice speak to me
In the whispering of the breeze.
I can see Your Love reflected
In the friends that grace my life.
Occasionally I recognize You
Even carrying me through strife.
There’s only just one place
Where I most often fail to see
Your wonder and Your Goodness, Lord,
That’s when I look inside of me.
It’s as if my eyes are broken
That I cannot recognize
Your ever-sweet reflection in
The mirror of my eyes.
Remove the darkened shadows, Lord,
That I might see Your Face
When I look into the mirror
For the reflection of Your Grace.
Msp 11/25/90

Copyright ©1997-2004 LastWords.com.

Thanx for listening and have a wonderful day!

Day 29

Today is my 29th day cigarette free. I have been smoking since I was 15 years old, and I am 51 now. You do the math...thats 36 years! Even I am impressed, at this point! I have tried more times than I can tell you to Quit...with no success until now.

I started smoking young...and I have always loved to smoke...still do, actually. But the truth is, it is killing me, or was. For a long time, I didn't really want to live... I was just tired. I want to live today. But I have to tell you, my beloved son, Nick, actually strong-armed me into quitting...he refused to enable me to kill myself any longer by buying me cigarettes...hence, I had to quit. I have to admit, I do feel better and I smell better too...

Now thats not to say I don't crave a cigarette...because I do...but, someone told me the craving only lasts 10 seconds max, and I have found that to be true. As with most events that happen in my life, I wrote a piece about it...Which I will share, that may explain a little better...

Have a great day!

The Challenge

When I was but a young lass
My father said to me,
"Girl, I'll beat your sweet ass
If I catch you puffin these!"

Now, mind you, my sweet daddy
Had drunk his share of brew.
His and all his bandies'
He had sucked up their shares, too.

In my face he waved it...
His stinky smoking butt.
With drooling lips he gave it
A huge inhaling cut.

He, then, released a white cloud
That reeked with stench of beer,
Followed by a belch so loud
The mice trembled in fear.

Now the truth, I hate to tell you,
Is what the truth remains to be.
There is no excuse to sell you,
But the rebel thrives in me.

I waited till he passed out
Into his whiskey-induced sleep.
Stole a pack, then ran out,
Puffed in spite, instead of weep.

Now, I don't know for certain
But I surely do suspect
Today I'd not be hurtin'
But his challenge did infect.

Today, sweet daddy's dead and gone,
Rotting coldly in the grave.
But in my head he lives on
And the forbidden I still crave.

Yes, I can hear him saying
In his whiskey flavored tone
That what pain today I'm paying,
Is mine and mine alone.

I smoked in mere defiance.
And then I smoked some more.
Developed a reliance
That gripped me to the core.

And now I must relinquish
This nasty habit that I love,
Or else it will extinguish
The hand inside this glove!

Each day let me remember
The true reason I must quit.
The challenge lives no longer
And its purpose doesn't fit.

I'm tired of the odor,
And it would be nice to breathe,
It surely clogs my motor
So there's not a thing to grieve.

It makes no sense to fight it
Though like I'm losing my best friend.
The trick is just don't light it,
Then rebel money I won't spend!

msp

"My Mind Is Not My Friend"

I've been told by more than one
My mind is not my friend.
To happy endings and pleasantries
It never seems to bend.
Disaster lurks, a shoe must fall.
The worst is where it leads me.
Thoughts of gloom, impending doom
It eagerly force feeds me.
In vivid technicolor
Surround-sound 3-D view
Detailed 360 scenarios
Play non-stop, without cue.
Think, think, think is not for me.
I think my thinker's broken.
No wonder that the shrink I see
Won't settle for a token!

msp
11/10/01

Intro's

Greetings and welcome to the world of Me... Enter at your own risk! The purpose of this blog is to throw open the shutters of my heart and let the light of the sunshine in...by sharing who I am and how I got here, who I hope to be, I hope to heal, to find the Truth, and in the process, become whole. And maybe, by doing so, reach out and touch someone else who has been there or who is there and give them hope (the same Hope that I seek).

I am not traditional in any sense, never have been, never will be.

I am very spiritual, love God with all my heart and soul, but reject organized religion for the most part except the church that I am currently attending, and it is not very organized...

I am the mother of three grown sons, have been married twice (both disasterous affairs)

For the past 18 years have been in same sex relationships...yes I am a lesbian.

I am currently single, recovering from a relationship that I had to walk away from because it was killing us both... and at a crossroad in my life. I have no idea where I am headed, no idea what God wants... not even sure how I got here.

Welcome to the world of me!