Changes

It has been an emotionally charged week for me...some major life changes lying just ahead, and as much as I'd like to say I am flexible and can just go with the flow like I did when I was younger, I cannot.

Some of the changes are definately positive via my current perceptions...and mind you, that is not always correct... and some I am a little less sure of.

I will be changing residences, acquiring wheels, have my middle son and my precious grandson within 4 hours of me since they are moving to this state...I see all of these as positive changes.

Here is one of the kickers, though...In 1981, when my youngest son was under one year old, my husband and the father of my sons and I separated for the third and final time. He was and is a compulsive liar and unemployable. During the six years that we were married, we lived in 23 different residences, including a 3 day stint in the car at a rest stop with two young children during my third pregnancy. Why, you may ask?

We lived on my next to minimum wage only...most times we were evicted because I simply couldnt keep up with the rent on my meager income alone.During our marriage, he had had approximately 5o+ different jobs all of which he either walked away from or was fired from because somebody didn't like him, somebody did something to him, yadda yadda yadda...

He left the state after we separated, vowing that I would never in this life time see a dime of child support. And he remained true to his word.Not only that, but he never once called to even see if his sons were alive.

Day before yesterday my middle son, who is now 26, received a call from a young lady who claimed to be his father's sister's husband's niece...who had somehow managed to track him down. She called to tell him that his aunt and uncle (his MIA father's sister and her husband) were worried about whether or not he had survived the hurricanes...and she gave him their phone number.

Now, Get this...his father's sister and her husband have two sons. One of those sons, raped my son when he was only 4 years old. He never told me until he was fifteen years old...and by that point my son was unsure which son it was, he just knew that it happened when he was 4 in the younger son's room.

I am not a violent individual, by any stretch...but if there were anyone I would like to torture and kill, it would be his perpetrator. God forgive me. And if there were anyone I would wish off of this earth and beyond the reach of my sons, it is their sperm donor and his family who cared so much that they chose to hide him and protect him from the law rather than make him be responsible for his own flesh and blood.

My son called them, and they gave him his father's phone number and told him that his father wanted very much to talk to him.

Jesus stated very clearly in the Bible that with the measure of forgiveness one gives, with that measure shall he be forgiven...I am guessing that the same applies to mercy...

I am sick to my stomach even writing about this...I am in some deep trouble here...not much forgiveness or mercy to be found in my heart for these folks...

And of course, these people, and I almost choke on calling them that, want to see my sons, and my precious grandson...

Lots of changes...yuppers...
Thanks for listening...
A truly conflicted twisted sister!

Happy Valentine's Day!

This is a day that I always look forward to if I am half of a couple...and a day I would prefer to skip if I am not...

Today, rather than succumb to the depression that is looming on the sidelines, I decided to send Valentines, and beat the onslaught at its own game...

sooooo....

There is nothing I'd rather do
Than have a Valentine like you!
Pass this on with your bestest smile
And watch it travel on with style!

a truly twisted sister!

The Light Bulb Effect

Every once in a while, something I have heard a million times and either not understood, or not payed attention to, all of a sudden jumps out and smacks me in the head...illuminates like a lightbulb in the darkest of night...I call this "The Light Bulb Effect".

Or, I sometimes call it "The Cosmic 2x4", an implement reserved for only the hardest of head. Mode of delivery determines which phenomenon I am experiencing.

Well, I think, this week, or actually this morning, I have had one of those enlightening moments of clarity. Not a cosmic 2x4, exactly...they tend to end up in a headache...More like a blinding flash of light in the dark muddle of my mind.

Back in the beginning of this blog, I posted a poem that I had written about "My Mind is Not My Friend". Now, this is not news to me...Someone told me this years ago, "twisted sister, your mind is not your friend!" and I immediately recognized the truth in it...

The fact of the matter is, I have a "steering committee", living in my head, that NEVER tells me anything good, never tells me the truth, never shuts up, and seeks to make me miserable... oh yeah!

If I choose to listen to them, any of them, I ALWAYS end up in trouble!

Now, this is the deal...When I am alone, in my own company, those wretched little critters are blaringly loud and deafeningly clear...Being alone with myself is like being stranded in a bad neighborhood at night...no surprises here.

I have realized in the past day or two, though, that I tend to isolate when I am depressed...Well, the honest-to-God truth is, no tending going on here...I down right do isolate when I am depressed...at any given point you are liable to find me under the bed...

Now, sometimes I dont have any options because I don't have wheels at this time, and my son's car is not often available...

Then, again, there are times that I definately do have the option, and choose not to ask to use the car or seek a ride...mostly because I am depressed and just wanna hide under the bed. Can't be inflicting my depression and bad mood upon anyone else, now...ah ha!

What I got going on here is the perfect "Catch 22" ->depression leads to isolation which only leads to deeper depression... Yikes! Am I my worst enemy or what?

Oh Yeah...Rocket Scientist thinking happenin, here...

Hmmm...I need to make some changes here, and real soon!

Stay tuned...!
a truly twisted sister

I Believe in Miracles!

I simply must share the news I just received or I will bust! In a recent post I shared about my friend, Denise, who was diagnosed with advanced colo-rectal cancer just before Christmas.

The prognosis looked questionable at that time and the doctors started her on radiation treatments 5 days a week, and chemotherapy 5 days every 3 weeks, in an attempt to shrink the tumor to a reasonable size to accommodate surgery that would involve a colostomy.

Denise was placed on several prayer chains and many people who love her and many who dont even know her personally stormed heaven in her behalf, myself included.

She had a sigmoidoscopy yesterday, and both of her doctors, the radiologist and the oncologist, were astounded with what they found. Her tumor, which was initially the size of a golf ball, is now only the size of a thumb nail! And the chances are excellent that she will not have to have surgery at all!

God is good! He is faithful! We are ecstatic. She is Faith in action at its finest,
and God is awesome! Just had to share our good news.

Thanks for listening!
a twisted sister...God bless you all!

Turning Points

Over the course of my life thus far, there have been several places in the road where there were either dead ends requiring right or left turns, dead ends requiring three-point-turns and back tracking, forks in the road requiring veering choices, exit and entrance ramps, all of them turning points. Changes in direction that require a decision followed by an altering of the present path.

I am currently at a turning point. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. My current direction is not working for me...time for change...problem is, I am a bit lost in the journey and have no idea which way to go! YIKES!

I have heard it said that "Happiness is an inside job, and a by-product of right living" . Holy shit! What am I doing wrong here?

Sooooo, my current endeavor is to seek out change. No more looking back and mourning what was and is no more, no more looking ahead with dread. What can I do today? The key words being "I do".

Just for today, God help me to be the best me I can, for You.

Thanks for listening, and have a great day!
a truly twisted sister

Out in the Desert and Dry as a Bone...

I was thinking about this state of isolation that I'm currently in, and what came to mind was Jesus in the desert. He was isolated out there for forty days and nights, in the company of Satan. I know it had to be hot and dry and dusty. No civilization in sight for miles and miles. No water, no trees, no food...nothing but stark isolation and deprevation as far as the eye could see. And according to the Bible recounts, He spent forty days and nights there. And while He was there, suffering from thirst and hunger, heat, dust, and bugs, loneliness and isolation, there was Satan, slyly offering Him all that He lacked.

The little trip I'm currently on looks like a vacation in comparison, and yet I whine. Once upon a time, someone who knew me fairly well called me a "princess" meaning that I was whiney, and spoiled, and I reacted with great indignance at such an insult...Why, you might ask??? True to the old adage, the truth hurts...

I feel ashamed. I truly have nothing to complain about, all my needs are met, and I am richly blessed. Let me be a grateful, satisfied child rather that a whiney, spoiled, selfish princess.

Again, Lord, Let me want what I have, not have what I want!

a truly twisted sister p.s. thanks for listening!

Happiness (a stolen idea)

Not too far from a gratitude list, is "Inside My Head-Jen's" Happiness list. which inspired me to write my own...

Happiness

My grandson, Bubbie's smile
A Spring Kentucky morn
a cup of coffee with extra cream
hugs
finishing a final draft of a poem
snowfall at night
making Christmas ornaments
a $10 spending spree at the Dollar Store
scented candles
good music
bon fires
playing Scrabble with friends
romping with my dog
to be continued...

Lord, Let me want what I have...

"Lord, Please let me want what I have, not have what I want"

Once upon a time, I was someone's daughter, two someones' daughter, actually and four someones' sister (big sister, as I was the oldest). Then I became someone's wife (Lord help me, what a mistake that was!) In due time, I then became three male someones' mother (the three highlights and greatest challenges of my life). As a mother, and a single mom at that, I wore many hats. I was nurturer, punisher, teacher, admonisher, detective, referee, prison warden, zoo keeper, provider and banker (haha), comic relief, main cook and bottle washer, unpaid maid, seamstress, scholar, lost and found department, twenty-four hour a day taxi service...the list goes on and on. I was an employee, sometimes two or three someones' employee at one time. Then I became a divorcee, moving on to someone else's girlfriend where I turned into wife again.(Lord, I really needed help here)... My main function at this point became protector of the innocent...my kids...that didnt last long, Praise God.

The point of this sad tribute, is that I always had an identity, and knew what that identity was. I had a purpose. I had goals. I had energy, I had dreams.

Today, my parents dwell with the angels, so my role as daughter is over. My siblings, actually all five of us, dont get along. The only sister I get along with at all is my baby sister, who lives halfway across the country and has her own family. So my role as "big sis" has faded. My sons are all grown, involved in their own lives and careers. (They are truly miracles, I tell you). Once in a great while I get consulted for an opinion, which is always ignored...I ought to use reverse psychology...

My health is questionable at best, my sanity is transient, my memory unreliable at any given point, and my energy virtually, non-existant.

I could deal with all that, if I just had an identity now. A purpose, a dream. I have never felt so lost.

Yet, I feel so guilty for complaining, when my friend, Denise, is in the shape she is, battling for her life against cancer, going to school full time...My problems are puny...

Yes, God, please help me to want what I have rather than have what I want, In Jesus Name I pray, Amen".