Lord, Let me want what I have...

"Lord, Please let me want what I have, not have what I want"

Once upon a time, I was someone's daughter, two someones' daughter, actually and four someones' sister (big sister, as I was the oldest). Then I became someone's wife (Lord help me, what a mistake that was!) In due time, I then became three male someones' mother (the three highlights and greatest challenges of my life). As a mother, and a single mom at that, I wore many hats. I was nurturer, punisher, teacher, admonisher, detective, referee, prison warden, zoo keeper, provider and banker (haha), comic relief, main cook and bottle washer, unpaid maid, seamstress, scholar, lost and found department, twenty-four hour a day taxi service...the list goes on and on. I was an employee, sometimes two or three someones' employee at one time. Then I became a divorcee, moving on to someone else's girlfriend where I turned into wife again.(Lord, I really needed help here)... My main function at this point became protector of the innocent...my kids...that didnt last long, Praise God.

The point of this sad tribute, is that I always had an identity, and knew what that identity was. I had a purpose. I had goals. I had energy, I had dreams.

Today, my parents dwell with the angels, so my role as daughter is over. My siblings, actually all five of us, dont get along. The only sister I get along with at all is my baby sister, who lives halfway across the country and has her own family. So my role as "big sis" has faded. My sons are all grown, involved in their own lives and careers. (They are truly miracles, I tell you). Once in a great while I get consulted for an opinion, which is always ignored...I ought to use reverse psychology...

My health is questionable at best, my sanity is transient, my memory unreliable at any given point, and my energy virtually, non-existant.

I could deal with all that, if I just had an identity now. A purpose, a dream. I have never felt so lost.

Yet, I feel so guilty for complaining, when my friend, Denise, is in the shape she is, battling for her life against cancer, going to school full time...My problems are puny...

Yes, God, please help me to want what I have rather than have what I want, In Jesus Name I pray, Amen".