My True Confession

I wasn't looking so it caught me by surprise but then, that is just my justification when, in truth, I dont think there is any justification for matters of the heart. They have always been beyond my control. Pete Townshed wrote and sang a song entitled "Now and Then" which says, "Now and then you meet a soul and fall in love and cant do a thing about it." That was me.

I had been in a relationship with a woman I shall call Donna for nearly six years. She had been really good to me, had spoiled me rotten, actually. We had been through alot together, had alot of fun together, and gotten along pretty well with the exception of one thing. She could not deal with my kids. She had no children herself, and had no understanding or tolerance for my teenage sons...and vice versa...so over time, life had become a battleground. She did not agree with my parenting methods or my sons' behaviors and what was a really satisfying relationship turned into a constant daily struggle. I knew I was going to have to make some changes, but I was still hoping Donna and I could compromise somewhere and work around this...

One day just after Thanksgiving, there was an unexpected knock
on our door. It was a woman named Connie, a gal that I worked with for nearly five years, and her girlfriend, Carrie, delivering an artificial Christmas tree that they wanted to get rid of. Connie introduced Carrie to Donna and I, and that is when it happened. Carrie and I shook hands, and our eyes met, and fireworks went off...electrical charges bouncing off the walls of my entire body.
Her smile melted my heart, made my heart pound and made my knees weak. The sound of her sweet voice was like the music of angels, and she had the most beautiful smile I had ever seen...It was the most intensely bizarre experience I had ever had! I was to discover later that it was the same for her. She called it the attack of the pheremones...

Next thing you know, the four of us were hanging out together all the time. Dinner every night at either our house or theirs. Weekend outings and excursions, movies, games, hobbies. We did this for at least a year or more. The four of us were inseparable.

Donna and I had a very honest relationship and she shared with me that she was intensely attracted to Connie, and I told her I had some really strong feelings for Carrie. So there were no secrets there. We both knew that our time together was limited due to the conflicts of interest that we had, namely my three sons. I don't know how else to explain it. It just happened.

Donna, whose agenda was to eventually hook up with Connie, hardily encouraged Carrie and I in our developing relationship, which, in truth, didn't need encouragement. It had already happened and our feelings were pretty firm and solidly cemented into place. Alot of flirting and teasing took place between us all, and Connie played the game right along with the rest of us...she flirted with Donna and gave signals that read the same as everybody elses...but looking back, I think, to her it was just that, a game, where to everyone else it had transcended gamehood, and become real feelings.

Now, here is where I went wrong. Again, looking back, I believe I am the one who could have altered the outcome by sticking to my ethics and morals, and instead, I got swept away by feelings of love and lust so strong that I couldnt see to make the right decisions and take the right actions. I take responsibility for the outcome, with deep regret, because we all got hurt...Yes we all played our own parts, no doubt. But had I held strong, and done things in the proper order, according to my belief system, I truly believe things would have played out very different. But then, to quote that wise old adage..." Hind sight is 20/20."

After over a year, my relationship with Carrie on an emotional level was intense. We were completely in tune with each other. She was an intellectual, and fulfilled so much of the emptiness and need within me. She loved my writing, and we had many a deep conversation about that which made it from my heart onto paper. We were spiritually in tune, had so very much in common, and she developed a relationship with my boys...a sincere, loving, understanding relationship that they responded to and participated in eagerly. She had a way with kids of all ages, and impacted their lives with her loving, patient ways. And let me say, she was the first person in a long line of individuals, including the father of my children, to bond with and sincerely care about my boys. For a Mom, that is HUGE. All this is building up to the fact that I grew to love her deeply, and eventually we crossed the lines and became physically intimate. It was not planned, it just happened spontaneously, naturally, sweetly. That in itself was not the problem, however. The problem was that neither one of us was available...I was still with Donna, and she was still with Connie. And to make matters worse, I considered Connie a friend. I worked with her daily, and I had committed the ultimate betrayal...What could have been wonderful and beautiful had it been done correctly, was tainted with great guilt on both of our parts.

Eventually the time came to make some changes...Donna and I parted ways and each got our own places. Regardless of whatever the circumstances, I believe break-ups always hurt. It was the end of a chapter that had had some really sweet times...we parted on civil, friendly terms, Donna and I, but there were tears, lots of tears for us both. By this time, Donna was pretty smitten with Connie, and her hopes were high that once Carrie told her about me, Connie would naturally come to her...Little did any of us know...

When Carrie did finally tell Connie about her feelings and relationship with me, Connie went bullistic, after all, they had been together for 15 years. But it had been a toxic relationship, and Carrie had been looking for a way out long before I came along. I will never forget, it was Memorial Day weekend, and this event was pivotal to what ended up happening. In a fit of anger and betrayal, Connie lost control and physically and sexually assaulted Carrie, and this event set into motion a series of events that very nearly did Carrie in.

It led to an emotional and mental break-down that resulted in her inability to function at her job which she had had for 12 years at the Cape, where she was a software engineer on the Space Shuttle. She lost that job, which was horribly devastating to her. It led to post-traumatic stress attacks where she would dissociate and be unable to function, communicate, or react. It led to nightmares and flashbacks that tortured and tormented her day and night. It triggered the activation of what used to be known as Multiple Personality Disorder, now called Dissociative Identity Disorder, where I came to know and recognize at least six different personalities that each day vied for control. Her personalities ranged from that of a three year old (which is when the very first experience of sexual abuse occurred), a seven year old named Joshua, who developed as a result of another series of physical and sexual abuses and rapes, a teenager who called himself "Legion" after a character in a science fiction book Carrie had read at the age of 11 or 12, who could be anybody he needed to be to survive. And then there was a personality who chose to remain nameless, who hated Carrie. She didn't appear all that often, but I learned to recognize her by her voice, which was deep, gravelly and crude, her countenance, consisting of very hate-filled eyes, aggression and vile cursing, and her obvious contempt of, hatred of and desire to kill Carrie. And try she did, on more than one occasion. During these occasions, Carrie was not present, and never remembered what had happened.

The only mental health assistance available to someone who had no insurance was seriously inadequate for someone as ill as Carrie. She had had a therapist since the age of 18 with whom she had bonded, that had moved out of state, and she was pretty much on her own. I felt like I had stepped into the Twilight Zone. Over the course of the following four years, which is how long we were together after her breakdown, she seemed to deteriate to the point that her dissociative episodes were lasting longer and longer. She self-mutilated regularly using knives or razors to cut herself with or car cigarette lighters to burn herself, and was often suicidal and had to be hospitalized several times for actual attempts. I was afraid to let her out of my sights for fear of her punishing herself or doing herself in. She became more non-functional with each passing day and though I loved her fiercely, I was at a huge loss on how to help her.

I got layed off from my job of 6 years following the 9/11 incidents, so, at one point, we were both jobless. She was intensely afraid to be alone and didn't want me to go back to work. I had some serious health issues involving my heart, as well, so I wasn't really able to work, but one cant live on air...

In the end, I felt like I was making Carrie sicker, somehow. Enabling her, I guess. I couldn't seem to get her to fight for help with her meds or go to group at the local mental health facility. My own issues, and yes, I have lots of them, myself, from incest, abuse, etc...seemed to react to Carrie's which just escalated her, and I felt like we were stuck in this horrendous nightmare that was destined to end in someone's demise. Every day I prayed for help and guidance. In the end, I prayed every day to die ...for we were on the verge of being destitute bag-ladies...crazy ones at that...a fate I couldn't accept.

One day I just snapped and walked out, with only my coat, my purse, and my meds. I had simply been trying to tell her that I was fearful about our finances or lack thereof. She took it as a statement of her inadequacy as a partner, and reacted volatily. I wasn't even allowed to have my own feelings. I had not two cents to my name, and no idea where I was headed. I just knew I couldnt stay around and make Carrie sicker any longer, and I felt myself falling into that black hole of mental illness and hopelessness with her...it felt like we were both dying, and the end was near. I was an empty cup with nothing left to give, and was driven by sheer desperation. I loved Carrie more than life itself, but it was clear to me that I was not what she needed. I called my son, in another state, and within a week, I was relocated to a place where I knew no one. I was broken, sad to the bone, and as lost as I have ever been in my entire life.

Now, I have to be honest here. My intentions were to get some professional counselling up here and get my act together. It was my sincere hope that Carrie would do the same, and that after a few months we could reunite and try again, because I truly love her. But "the best laid plans of mice and men"...often go awry.

On the side lines to all of this, was a long time friend of mine, Laura, whom I had known for 35 years. During the last year that Carrie and I were together, Laura had lost both her mother, to a sudden, short lived illness, and her husband of 35 years, to a series of strokes and heart attacks that had rendered him partially paralyzed and disabled for several years before the angels came to claim him. Carrie and I had become a part of his care team for approximately six months before he passed, on weekends, so that Laura could work as a nurse at the local hospital. After both losses, which occurred within 2 months of each other, Laura was depressed, deep in mourning, and very needy. When I left, both Carrie and Laura felt abandoned by me.

Within about 4 months of my departure, they both discovered that they had developed feelings for each other, which caught them both off guard, but sometimes pain and loneliness shared will do that...

I cannot say that I was shocked, although I will say it smarted a bit...for the truth of the matter is, that I still love Carrie. I just didnt know how to help her or cope with her illnesses. Laura is a nurse, and a good one at that. She grew up in a healthy, loving family and had no abuse issues to deal with herself. Nor was she intimidated by doctors or the system. With her help, Carrie is now
on better meds that have stablized her, and is certified for Social Security Disability, which will allow her to contribute to her own support, and get appropriate medical and mental health treatment. She is back to the Carrie I fell in love with, for the most part, and very happy with her life with Laura. I can see that all is as it should be...my prayers have been answered. God took care of Carrie and Laura...just a little differently than I had expected. They are happy together and doing really well. And here I am...confessing my sins, and trying to make amends in the best way I know how, by accepting things as they are and moving on. I have learned a very painful lesson throughout all of this, and never want to make this mistake again.

It has been a year since I arrived here to live with my son, and I don't forsee myself in any more relationships. I need to learn to feel fulfilled and happy as I am, allowing God to fulfill my needs. I think the odds of me staying out of trouble are much better that way, dont you?

Whew! That was a big bad secret...here's hoping that exposing it to the sunlight will assist me in forgiving myself, learning the lesson so I dont have to repeat it, and moving forward.

Thanks for listening!
a truly twisted sister