Tomorrow is D-Day, and Here I Sit

The list is endless...wash my clothes, pack them up, clean the house, go through my list of forget-me-nots, take care of the last minute chores, wash my hair, shave my legs, go to the dollar store to get something to carry my hand-made ornaments/Christmas gifts in...Yikes!!!

This is such a bitter-sweet journey for me...I wanna go and I wanna stay!

Isnt that crazy?

My youngest son is coming from Germany and I havent seen him since March.

My middle son and my 9 month old Grandson are there and I havent seen them since March.

The Love of my life, and my best and oldest friend of 35 years are there and I havent seen them since January, and they bought my ticket...

My brother and his wife and my 5 yr. old nephew are there and I havent seen them since January.

All of them are excited that I am coming for Christmas, and here I am, wishing I could stay right here. Its not that I don't love them all, for surely I do, with my whole heart. And part of me is excited to see them all... I just feel guilty for leaving my oldest son here to do Christmas alone, and leaving my sick friend in her time of need.

I mean, its only until the 30th of Dec...

Regardless of my silly inner conflicts, please have a wonderful Christmas and stay safe! Hugs and cheers to all!

a truly twisted sister!

Little Drummer Boy

I have always been fond of the Christmas song, The Little Drummer Boy. Asside from simply liking the music, rhythm and lyrics of the song, the story that it tells has always captivated my imagination. Perhaps I have always identified with the little fellow in the song...but never more than today.

As I told you earlier, I am going to Florida to spend Christmas with my family and friends on a plane ticket purchased for me as a Christmas gift. My sons, Timmy and Chris are very excited, my brother, Mark, his wife, Joann, and my nephew, Scottie, are excited. My friends who purchased the ticket are excited.

Half of me is excited. The other half is torn, for I surely hate to leave my oldest son, and my extended family for the holidays, most especially my friend, Denise, who is sick...

I also go empty handed, for my retroactive SSI check is hung up in burocratic red tape due to their own error. I tried to tell my brother this, and request that we do the gift thing for the children only, since , after all, Christmas is for children...and I told him I was gonna wear a red bow...His response was,"Don't be silly" and " Maybe you aught to think about wearing something more than just a red bow..." Isnt he a hoot???

And it occurred to me this morning, sitting in church, pondering this Christmas celebration, that indeed, I feel like the Little Drummer Boy, with only myself to offer as a gift. My love, my attention, my compassion and understanding, my ear to listen, my arms to hug...it just doesnt feel like enough to me but then...that is what I prefer from others....

O, well, I will give my best...and pray that it is enough...

Be well, all!

Trust Learned is Trust Earned

This journey we call Life is sure tricky, a road full of twists and turns, rocks and rills, mountains and valleys. I don't know how to do it very well...I stumble and fall alot, wander and get side tracked alot, whine and cry alot...and I don't like surprises! Now, isn't that some irony?

I think we come into this world with Trust. I think it is wired into us. But that trust can be destroyed very easily by circumstances beyond our control as children, if we are subjected to certain undesirables, such as incest, abuse, or neglect. My ability to trust was shattered at an early age, and the inability to trust surely has made the journey more of a challenge.

According to my own personal experience, this shattered , thus lack, of trust applied to people directly, and to God, as well. I discovered, in my early 30's that I believed in God, and His existence implicitly and always had, but did not trust Him with anything. I truly believed that He was out to get me, because I was unworthy and unloveable. Every bad thing that had ever happened to me was punishment, And I lived in fear of the ever threatening other shoe to drop.

I prayed one day and asked God to teach me to trust Him...Nobody warned me to BUCKLE UP, BABY...HERE IT COMES...

Now, picture this. I am a single mom with 3 sons. I get no child support, or state aid, live on a shoe-string budget, and I am stretched mighty thin. Two weeks after I prayed that prayer, I get called into the office at work and am informed that I am layed off, along with 47 other folks. Upon receiving this information, My magic magnifying mind pictures, in 3-D color, myself as an instant bag-lady with 3 bag-children...

Now I am here to tell you that where there is no trust, them rocks and rills, thrills and spills can be treacherous. Panic-strickened, I walked from that office to gather my belongings in tears, wondering where o where we were gonna end up. Christmas was coming, the rent was due, the tires were bald, and my oldest son wanted a new outfit for the dance next week!

The year that followed was one of the greatest lessons in trust I have ever received. One of my dear friends told me to pray, and the answers would come. Thanks to unemployment, we lived on $600. a month, plus contributions from a mentor who appeared in the nick of time, and all our needs were met. I ended up in college, the company that layed me off adopted my family for Christmas, providing food, gifts for all, and six crisp $100 bills in a sealed envelope, and I learned that I can trust God with my finances.

The following year, it was discovered that I had a mass in my breast that required surgery. Now, again, picture this. My mother was a nurse, and was suffering with ovarian cancer, taking chemo-therapy every three weeks. When I was told of my mammogram results, we all just knew that I had breast cancer, Mom included. I went out and purchased life insurance with money I didnt have, wrote a will so that my kids would not become wards of the state, and began to write my obituary. I cried for the two weeks I had to wait for surgery, and my poor kids were just devastated. It was benign. It was then that I learned that I could trust God with my health.

My life has been filled with incidents such as these, through which I have learned that I can trust God in all things, big and small. Today I face one more lesson...

Believe it or not, Within the past 3 days I have been informed that the two closest friends I have up here, where I now live, have cancer. One of them had breast cancer nearly 5 years ago and now has a lesion in her stomach and a spot on her liver, and the other has advanced colo-rectal cancer at the age of 51. I feel like someone has just come up and kicked me in the gut.

Yup, i see a mountain or two on the horizon, and altho I am no Bible-thumper, I am a praying woman who believes in the Grace and Power of prayer and faith. I smell another lesson coming...

Pain shared is cut in half, Joy shared is doubled!

"Pain shared is cut in half, Joy shared is doubled."

Since I tend to share the pain so freely, I need to share the Joy. I received a phone call a few minutes ago from my youngest son, my baby boy, Christopher, who is stationed in Germany. What a thrill to hear his voice! He has been there since March, training to deploy in March of 2005. His voice is strong, confident, and content.

First of all, I must tell you that when he was born, he was a very sick little cookie. By the time he was three years old, he had been hospitalized nine times, three of them in Intensive Care. He quit breathing at eight days old, when my mother resusitated him. Two months later, it was determined that he had idiopathic epilepsy, and had had so many seizures that the doctors told me he had a 50% of brain damage.

At one point in time, at three months old, he contracted double pneumonia, spent eleven days in ICU and very nearly died. He finally began to thrive health-wise at the age of 5. He is, without a doubt, my miracle child, healthy, strong, and wise.

From the age of fifteen through twenty one or so, his main activity was staying stoned...he was a Nintendo addicted pot-head, who lacked ambition, beyond working at a local convenience store.

Today, he is an MP in the United States Army, who is coming home on Christmas Exodus. He is my HERO. And just for the record, I have 3 HEROES in my life...my three sons. Two of them are soldiers, and one is an incredible daddy. God is so awesome, and they are His Handiwork. I am blessed!

And on top of all of this, I am being given a round trip ticket to Florida for Christmas, where I can be with him, his brother, Timothy, and my 10 month old grandson, and my best friends. There are no words to express how very excited I am. The only down side to this is that my oldest son, with whom I live cannot get leave and I will be leaving him here for Christmas.

Due to financial reasons, I didn't think Florida was even possible...and I had prayed and put the entire issue smack dab into God's Hands, being willing to accept the outcome, whatever it may be. Oh my God! You are awesome!

My joy this day is great and humbling, for I am not deserving. But...deserving or not, I am loved and blessed right out of my booties! Oh yes, God is Awesome!

May my God bless you richly this very moment!

Tunnel Vision

"Be careful what you pray for" is how I've heard it told.
Your prayer just might be answered with a hand you want to fold.
Too bad I'm hard of hearing, and hard-headed, yes, to boot.
Sometimes my best ideas are like weeds of endless root.
I have learned this lesson from that school of old hard knocks...
I only pray for God's Will, now, leaving "self-will" in the box.
See, this is what I figure, from the lesson that I learned,
Mine is tunnel vision tainted by only what I yearn.
Any given situation revolves around much more than me,
Yes, involving a greater picture than my eyes can ever see.
Selfish prayers are dangerous and seldom satisfy...
Now, I'm careful what I pray for, and that's the reason why!

Memories

Its been a while since I have been here, and I apologize to both me and you for my neglect...I hope all had a wonderful Thanksgiving.

Today is the anniversary of my Mother's arrival at the Gates of Heaven...December 13, 1993 , she left this earth, and dances with the angels this day. It is with mixed feelings that I write this. It was through the event of her passing that I experienced for the very first time the fact that God's Hand is tender and Loving...the most precious gift I have ever received.

You see, I always thought God was a pretty frightful dude, ever waiting out there for me to be me and screw up, so He could punish me as I rightfully deserved...

Well, I couldn't have been more wrong...and today I rejoice in the Truth, that I, yes, even me, am a "King's Kid"! And I owe the realization of that Truth to my Mother, through her passing.

I am too emotional today to go into the details, but one day I will, and you will see how it all took place. But for this day, I thank my God for Her. I miss her, and yearn to see her, but rejoice that she is where she is. Her suffering was great, but she suffers no more, and I can see her in my mind's eye, dancing with her tamborine to the tune of the angels' song at the Feet of the Father!