Move a Muscle, Change a Thought...

It is still fairly early, on Tuesday morning. I am restless, irritable, and discontent! I have no good reason...it is just what is. So in an attempt to turn meself around today, I'm gonna write this blog, and then move a muscle, to change my thoughts!

When I was in a particularly bad place in my head, one day, a friend of mine in AA told me, "Move a muscle...change a thought"... I did it, and it worked...So that is where I am headed...

Last night, I attended the first meeting of a new Bible Study for Women..."Living Beyond Yourself"...It is being taught, or rather facilitated by our pastor's wife, whom I dearly love and respect...

I felt as out of place as a "petunia" in an onion patch..or to quote my beloved son, Nick..."a turd in a punch bowl..."

Most of the women there were young married mom's in the church. There were a couple of older women there more my age, but married, and Oh so Christian...

and then there is me...baabaa black sheep...lost in the wood.

Part of this study involves watching video of this gal who preaches...and as silly as this may sound, I cant seem to get past the volume of her voice to hear her message effectively...I am funny, that way...

Yelling, screaming, pacing preachers, be they men or women, make me shutter in my shoes...it is a direct result of how I was raised...in a violent, loud, irrational environment. I get uncomforable in the presence of any loud voices or conflict, whether I am involved or not...

And this speaker is loud, and "on fire", paces in her fervor, and makes me uncomfortabe...

I cant help but feel like if these gals knew who I really am, and where I have been, they would be very anxious for me to go away...

This is why...I am a lesbian. I cant deal with men, dont relate to them at all, have serious problems interacting with them, fear them, feel unsafe around them, and am intensly intimidated by them. ( to any males reading this, please take no offense... I don't hate men, I am just afraid of them)

This is all based on a lifetime of experience...personal experience...

And then there is God, and His Wild sense of humor...to give me 3 sons...Whom I love with all my heart, just dont understand...

I am who I am...and just because I am not in a relationship right now, doesnt change a darn thing...I am who I am...I feel like it is necessary to keep who I am, where I have been, and how I got there secret in this "Christian environment" if I want to fit in (like that was ever a possibility) or stay...

Truth...I miss my girlfriend, I miss her companionship, the stuff we used to share and do, I miss her smile, her touch, her comfort, her encouragement, her understanding. And isnt it funny how easily one forgets the problems and reasons why one had to walk away, over time...

The pastor says God can fill all my needs... I feel like I've missed the boat somewhere...because there is such a deep, hollow yearning in my entire being.

The point I am trying to make here is that just because I am not in a lesbian relationship, does not mean that that's not what I yearn for, and miss...I feel so lost...Dear God, Help me!

My Prayer Today
Lord, Let Your Glory shine through me
In all I say and do.
Heal this wounded heart of mine.
Let me seek none else but You.

Fill this hunger deep within
That none on earth can touch.
Let Faith abound where fear has reigned.
Please be my only crutch.

Bless these hands that long to serve
And make them as You Own.
Guide my feet upon Your Path
That through me, Your Love be shown.

My will and life, this day, I give
To do with as You may,
That my every thought and word and deed
Reflect Your Love today. Amen.

msp
08/26/04
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