To Be or Not To Be...Me
I have spent very nearly my whole life trying to be anybody but me.
Why, you may ask?
Its quite simple...being "me" was never acceptible. I never met my parent's standards...on any level, even though I broke my neck trying. My efforts were just never enough. Consequently, I grew up hating who I was...always trying to be somebody else...anybody else.
(Daddy)..."You're fat and ugly, nobody will ever want you! You lazy, worthless, stupid girl! You will never amount to anything...
(Mommy)...I regret the day I ever had kids...You are JUST LIKE YOUR FATHER (sneering hateful leer)
They cursed me!
But alas, wherever I go, there I take me! ( I attribute this to God's sick sense of humor) I am who I am...
Now, I have come to realize that it is not God's Will for me to hate myself...that it is virtually impossible to have a relationship with God and hate His creation...(me).
Darkness and Light cannot dwell in the same space together...same principle.
So, my goal, today, is to be the best me I can...I took off my judge's robe and put my gavel away...Just as I try not to judge anyone else today, I try not to judge me...
My parents were sick, they were wrong, but...deep inside of me lives a damaged little girl who believes with all her heart and soul every word Mommy and Daddy ever said. She's wounded and damaged, That is where I live. My goal today is to be gentle and kind to her...to treat her with love...as My God would have me do.
Whew! What an order!
Right or wrong, thats my goal because a relationship with my Creator is the only thing that makes sense and holds any Hope for me.
Lesbian or straight, it is my belief that God loves me just as I am. If I'm wrong, I'm screwed, anyway, just like Mommy and Daddy said...
I choose to believe in God's Unconditional Love, and the Cleansing Blood of His Only Son, Jesus, and the transforming Power of the Spirit.
Today, Im just trying to be me...the best me I can be!
"Make Me a Mirror"
I can easily see Your Presence
In a flaming sunset sky.
I can clearly see Your Essence
In a fragile butterfly.
I can sense the wonder of You
In a rainbow midst the clouds.
I can sometimes even feel You
In unknown faces in the crowds.
I can feel You all about me
In the birds and in the trees.
I can hear Your Voice speak to me
In the whispering of the breeze.
I can see Your Love reflected
In the friends that grace my life.
Occasionally I recognize You
Even carrying me through strife.
There’s only just one place
Where I most often fail to see
Your wonder and Your Goodness, Lord,
That’s when I look inside of me.
It’s as if my eyes are broken
That I cannot recognize
Your ever-sweet reflection in
The mirror of my eyes.
Remove the darkened shadows, Lord,
That I might see Your Face
When I look into the mirror
For the reflection of Your Grace.
Msp 11/25/90
Copyright ©1997-2004 LastWords.com.
Thanx for listening and have a wonderful day!
posted by Seeker @ 7:46 AM
2 Comments:
According to Merriam-Webster, a curse (noun) is a cause of great harm or misfortune. To curse (verb) is to bring great evil upon, as in afflict. In either sense, the word curse applies.
However, I can surely understand that you don't relate, and can't. You had to be there, I guess.
But, imagine this. Take a beautiful, innocent baby, a pure, blank slate, and tell her every day in every way that she is stupid, ugly, worthless, unloveable... now the truth is, coming from her parents, that is going to be devastating. Children internalize that input. It is beyond their capabilities to see that their parents are or may be sick...what they say must be true. Since we learn from our parents essentially who we are, it, then, becomes the child's truth, and the premise from which the child operates. At least, that is how it worked for me.
I spent most of my life trying to prove them wrong. And in many ways I have.
But the sad part is that deep inside, where I live, I feel all those horrible things my parents said...still today...and yes i feel cursed by their words.
And just an FYI, I have been seeking God's healing all of my cognative life! And the stark truth is...I am still not comfortable in my own skin!
On the positive side, I vowed that I would not do that to my own children, and for the most part, I think I was successful...
I hope this clarified some...
Lots of Love to you, Nicks!
Daddy's Curse
He said I wasn't worth a damn,
So I grew up believin'.
I said I didn't give a damn,
But who was I deceivin'?
The deck was stacked. The die was cast
By words that kept on weavin'
Webs that bound my heart and soul
To a curse there was no leavin'.
How can I find forgiveness
For a self I'm forever grievin'?
Where can I find redemption for
What's lost beyond retrieving?
He said I wasn't worth a damn,
So I grew up believin'.
Still say I just don't give a damn
But who am I deceivin'?
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