"I'm a Lonely little Petunia in the Onion Patch"

Its been a long, lonely week. I am seriously struggling with loneliness, boredom, depression... and feel like I'm sinking into a deep dark pit of quick sand...Prayer feels hollow, reading the Bible holds no comfort (what does that mean?) , I am sad down to my toes cause I miss my female companion and soul mate whom I had to leave....And I keep wondering what is wrong with me...? I did the right thing, we were both dying... but now, I feel so lost, lost in an endless sea and drowning.

I have been up here with my son since January 17. I have one friend who is pretty busy and overwhelmed with her own life right now. The only real companion i have is my son's dog. My son doesnt understand me. He tries, but we come from different places, he and I... We live in different worlds.

We go to Church each week, and I truly experience God's presence and Spirit there... Why then am I so tortured at home? I feel like an apple in a case of oranges...or a lonely little petunia in an onion patch!

This blogging thing, that my son so dearly loves, leaves me feeling vulnerable and exposed, even tho I am anonymous...isnt that crazy? I am feeling pretty crazy...The steering committee that lives in my head is all riled up, everybody talking nonsense at once...yikes! Turn down the flippin volume!!!

Circles
my heart's so empty it echoes.
hollow, and crippled with pain.
Tears on the edge of flooding
thoughts hopelessly tumble insane.
this path i have traveled in circles
leads to where I seek escape.
wherever I go, there I find me
in the same miserable funky shape.
when i was yet young as the springtime
heart pure and chaste as the dawn,
Reality's harsh boney fingers
Grasped me like I was its pawn.
to this day, I remain still a prisoner
in a jail with no windows or doors
engaged in a spiritual battle,
of unspeakable internal wars.
msp
09/19/04