"Now and Then"

Title: Now And Then
Writer: Pete Townshend
Song Lyrics:
Now and then you see a soul and you fall in love
You can't do a thing about it(repeat 3 times)

In you I saw someone that I recognized
Had no idea what was in your mind
I met your eyes and I was hypnotized
I let our lives become entwined

Now and then you see a soul and you fall in love
You can't do a thing about it
Now and then you see a soul and you fall in love
You can't do a thing about it

I feel so badly Darlin' all the timeI have tortured you so long
But I am helpless in this pantomime
I am aware that I was wrong

Now and then you see a soul and you fall in love
You can't do a thing about it(repeat 3 times)

For though you knew that I was twice your age
To make you laugh seemed you enough
I thought we'd love and then and then you'd turn the page
I'd have to suffer your rebuff
And it was me who had the most to gain
Despite the fact that I now have lost
The only love that ever caused me pain
I feel like a double head was tossed

Now and then you see a soul and you fall in love
And you can't do a thing about it(repeat 6 times)

The words to this song are my theme song for the past 6 years. I imagine they probably will be for the rest of my days.

I knew, the first time I looked into her eyes, when we were introduced. My heart skipped a beat when we shook hands. I knew the first time I saw her smile and heard her voice. Yep, I knew, and she did too. Whamo! Sparks flew like the Fourth of July fireworks...pheremones and invisible magnetic forces hit like lightening.

Herein lies the problem... neither one of us was available...as in we were both in long term relationships with other people...she for 15 years, and I for 5 1/2 years. Neither one of us were happy in our current relationships... and hang in...it gets better...(or worse...)

How did we meet? I worked with her significant other for about 4 years at the same company. They came to my house to deliver an artificial Christmas tree that they were giving to my girlfriend and I.

Almost instantly, the four of us became inseperable.

It gets weirder...My girlfriend developed a huge crush on my friend, and judging by her behavior, my friend, whom I worked with, played the game, flirting her little hiney off back...and it really looked like love was blooming between my soon-to-be ex and my co-worker friend, and between my co-worker friend's soon-to-be ex and I. This went on for about a year and a half.

Looking back, it was almost too weird to be real. Weirder than a love triangle... but it was, real that is.

Now, my girlfriend really had the hots for my co-worker (lets call her Rosie), and she had an agenda...she figured if she could pair me up with Rosie's girl (we'll call her Carrie), Rosie would naturally come to her...so...she started encouraging Carrie and I to meet secretly, go to the store and leave her with Rosie, all kinds of little manuevers to manipulate situations...

Well, needless to say, Carrie and I could not resist the "urge to merge"...it was just bigger than the both of us. None of this was planned, it all just happened.

Naturally, things on both homefronts began to crumble. We, Carrie and I, both betrayed our values by not breaking up with our current involvements before becoming "Involved" ourselves. I betrayed my own values by getting involved with my friend's girlfriend...that is like the ultimate betrayal in my eyes...But I couldn't help myself...Carrie and I were and are kindred spirits and our hearts instantly recognized each other, and melded together.

Rosie claimed ignorance to the whole thing and went over the edge when she was finally told that Carrie had feelings for me and had been with me. She did not seek out my ex, who had it bad for her, no. She stalked Carrie, harrassed Carrie, assaulted Carrie...for like 3 years...she should have gone to jail several times but Carrie couldnt get past her guilt to do anything. In reality, everyone got hurt.

To make a long story short, after the assault, Carrie had a breakdown. Up until this time, there had been no apparent signs of trouble to me. By this time, Carrie and I were living together, and I started seeing some puzzling, disturbing behavior...She had a therapist that she had been seeing since she was 18 or so, and on several occasions I called her therapist in crisis when she acted suicidal...

Come to find out, as a result of extreme abuse and neglect she had experienced as a child, Carrie suffered from Borderline Personality Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and Manic Depressive Disorder...She hid it well until she couldnt hide it any more.

We stayed together for 3 years after her breakdown. She was an extremely intelligent woman, had put herself through college and had a Bachelor's degree in computer science. She lost her job of 10 years plus due to being unable to function and dissociating at work, which her boss interpreted as drug abuse. That only made matters worse for her mental state.

I came to believe that somehow, I was making her sicker. I tried everything I could possibly think of to try to help her. What ended up happening was that I started getting sick emotionally too. I lost my self, I lost my hope, I lost my purpose...One day, I just cracked and walked out, Called my son and within a week i was in another state with him.

My intention was to take some time, both of us, to work on our own issues, and then try it again, because we both still love each other...It wasn't my intention to hurt her, but I felt like somehow we were on a downhill spiral, and I truly felt like we were both dying.

She couldn't, however, deal with the abandonment issues, and ended hooking up with my best friend of 35 years...which is where it remains today. Yes, it is true, we reap what we sow...

Carrie is doing much better and is much more functional with my best friend, who is a nurse, and an infinately patient nurturer. And, in spite of the depression and sadness, I am doing much better, too.

Now, this is the honest to God's Truth. I do not, nor could I ever regret loving Carrie. Nor can I believe that God would judge me for loving her. What I do regret is how we went about it, which I do believe was wrong and ultimately contributed to our demise as a couple.

It was not easy to tell this, nor am I particularly proud of my actions here. This is, however, the truth, and what I am trying to learn and heal from. I surely pray that I never go here and cause the pain that I have caused, ever again, and I pray that God forgives me.

Thanks for listening...

'Forever"
Though Fate has intervened, you see,
Leading separate direction the paths of we,
And miles like endless mountain's ridge
Divide the valleys without bridge,
Tears like rain, cease not to flow
Cold lonely winds through this canyon blow.
Poignant pain both sharp and dull
Pulse through these veins with not a lull.
Golden heart-strings bind our souls,
In spite of Destiny-carved goals.
My heart forever shall be thine,
And thine eternally be mine.
In spite of where our journeys lead
Sweetest love shall thrive, yes, thrive, indeed.
Tis sorrow's sting my heart embraces.
Cruel truth of loss through my spirit races.
In spite of distance and sorrow's pain,
The joys of loving you will reign,
Forever.
msp 10/07/04
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