True Confessions

My beloved, dyed-in-the-wool, hard core blogging son, Nicodemus, asked me last night if I had been blogging. I sheepishly hung my head and admitted that I had not blogged since last Wednsday...that I find it very difficult to blog, write or even communicate much when I am depressed...

Now picture this...

We are in the car, and he is behind the wheel....

Much to my distress, I have forgotten my crash helmet...Oh No!... anyway, here I am gripping the door handle with white knuckles, stomping my foot on my imaginary brake pedal...

And he looks at me, exclaiming, with both hands in the air, " But MOM~! That is when you SHOULD blog! "

Needless to say, we made it to our destination in one piece, thank God... (my nerves more than a little rattled...) and here I am, blogging today, in spite of myself.

I am ashamed to admit that Life feels like such a struggle to me these days, when I have so very much to be grateful for. It actually feels like an oxymoron...the struggle is between my ears... as I told you, my mind is not my friend...

The truth is, I have all that I need. God has been so good to me, and I feel deeply guilty to battle with the emotional pain that grips my heart and soul.

Our pastor told me that God can be all that I need...and I need to be praying toward that end. I have, and do...yet still this deep burning yearning sadness and emptiness...leaving me wondering what in the heck I am doing wrong here...

I can identify part of the problem...and it goes back many many years. My father, for reasons I have yet to completely understand, found it necessary to tell me often over the course of my growing up years that I was fat, ugly, useless, and that no one would ever want me. This started at a pretty young age, approximately 5 or so, and continued for most of my childhood until he died, when I was 17. Naturally, I believed him.

If there was someone in my life who wanted me, then Daddy was wrong, and I was ok...

The tragic part of this is that it didnt really matter if it was a quality someone, a kind someone, an emotionally healthy someone. Just a someone.

Initially, it had to be a male someone..."normal" was imperitive per the "family". After two horribly abusive marriages, I was so devastated and needy, it wouldn't have mattered if a little green Martian had paid attention to me and been kind...I would have been in like flynn.

It just so happened to be a female, a gay butch woman, who crossed my path and paid attention to me. She was the very first person in my entire life who ever nurtured me, and believe me, I fought the feelings that were inevitable...because in my Catholic, Christian mind, it was surely my one way ticket to hell to love a woman in this way.

Now, here I issue a challenge...Try NOT to love someone you love with all your heart, someone who brings you a cup of cool water when you have been wandering for years in the endless desert...someone who is physically, emotionally, mentally gentle with you when you had been battered over and over by every male in your life...

Didn't take long, and I was hooked. I have been in same-sex relationships since 1986...18 years. In January of this year I walked away from a relationship of 6 years with a woman I love deeply, just cant live with. I'm not going to go into that now, but leaving was the right thing for both of us. It was a God-Thing. No doubt in my mind. But this is the Truth...I miss her like crazy and I am lost without her.

That is what I think most of the time...

The real truth is, I am lost because I am alone right now and not in a relationship, scared to death Daddy dearest was right, and no one else will ever want me...no decent man has ever been interested in or wanted me...and to be brutally honest, most of the women I have been with weren't all that hot either.

I don't think I would recognize a healthy relationship if it walked up and slapped me in the head!

Here is the punch line: I am terrified that I will be cursed to live out my years desperately alone and lonely...

Tears well up and flow just thinking about it.

Enough true confessions for now...Yikes! I feel exposed now...thanks for listening, and God bless...