Whine and Cheese...

Warning Warning! I have a need to whine...if you don't want to hear it or aren't up to it, run along! This blog entry is NOT for you.

I don't do this very often...try to look on the bright side of the picture and be grateful for that which I do have...

However, I have been under the weather for the past 4 days, here alone, and I am afraid it has gotten to me...I need to vent...

I have been in or stayed in too many abusive relationships in my lifetime. I have been "single" now for going on 3 years which is the longest time I have ever been alone and out of a relationship. I am living alone for the first time in my 52 1/2 years on this planet.

I am new to this area where I am living and havent met anyone as far as friends go, and have no idea how to go about that. On a fixed budget it isn't easy. but I have been surviving.

For the past few days, however, I have been sick, and the truth is... I don't do sick well under good circumstances but alone I really dont do it well....

My thinking shifts from how to why...and then I am in the pit...

I guess I am going to have to bite the bullet and call the doctor on Monday...that is about as appealing to me as eating a live frog....but I cant carry on like this for long...

I just don't understand why... but then I remember the old adage. " tis not mine to question why, tis but mine to do or die."

Ok, God, then please please take away this loneliness and make me contented to be with just You and me. I would surely welcome any suggestions from anyonw who has been in this situation and survived....

Thanks for listening...
an illin twistedsister

Green Acres...Oliver here...

I was born in Clearwater, Florida and have spent , hmmm, I'd guess, maybe 49 of my 52 years on this planet in the Sunshine State. I have always wanted to live on a farm...well...here I am.

I really just love it. I love the smell of the hay in the barn. I love to watch the horses and cows, the cats and dogs, chickens and woolies. They are simply amazing to me.

I am going to be farm sitting for a week the beginning of Feb. while my friend and her husband go on vacation. Needless to say, I am a bit nervous...its alot of responsibility and the longer I am here the more I see the daily adventures that come along with this way of life...

This morning, I let two of the dogs out and stepped out back to have a quick smoke. All of a sudden I hear both dogs barking up a storm...They don't usually bark for nuthin now...so I mosey around to the front to discover what the commotion is all about...

Here stands these two fairly small dogs standing directly in front of this bohemith sized bull who has managed to escape from inside the fence...and was standing by the fence corner, scratchin
his flank and bum on the wood...

Now I reckon those dogs were yapping at that bull, Tanner, to go back but Tanner wasn't listening too well....next thing you know, this Huge animal bolts, charging at the screaming dogs then swerving into a three point turn of sorts, to head for the woods up the hill.

Now, bulls aren't the smartest of creatures...but, what they lack in smarts, they compensate for in sheer massive muscle and braw . This guy, rather than head for the large gated opening at the front of the pasture where we were trying to steer him, charges into the fence, trying to go through the three tiers of wire that are supposed to confine him and his harem to their pasture...not once but five times at five different spots he charged, trying to force his large mass through the wires...each time entangling himself before he is half way through.

Finally, he figured out that the gate was the way to go. After he charged through the gate opening, I quick scooted over, lifted the gate up and swung her closed while Tanner turned around and just stood there giving me the evil eye... all the while the dogs are yapping.

Now, what in the heck am I gonna do if good old Tanner gets out while my friends are gone? oh they will leave me several numbers of neighboring farmers who I can call, but, what do I do if, say, they get out late at night? Oh and by the way, I forgot to mention, two of their cows are very very pregnant and due to drop their calves any time... one of their horses has seizures, and
one has an injured shoulder and is confined to her stall for a month over which she is none too happy. She has already gotten loose once....and its only been a couple of days...

Crash course in farming 101? Oh yeah...should be interesting...
Well, thats my story for today and I am stickin to it. Have a good one...
the" Green Acres" twisted sister ps the only thing I lack is Arnold the Pig!

Perceptions

It has always facinated me how two different people can be at the same place at the same time, see and experience the exact same things and have very different perceptions of what they saw, felt, heard etc. And where does the truth lie in all of that?

For example, I am one of five children in our family. We lived in the same house, had the same parents, lived through alot of the same exact events together, and not a single one of us sees any of it the same...

I have just spent nearly 5 months living with my youngest sister and her family, her husband works 2 1/2 hours away and commutes back and forth on weekends. They have 3 sons, 12, 10, and 6, live on a farm with 5 cows and a dog pestered by a hand full of chickens. She works full time as a teacher's aide for special needs kids and needless to say has a full plate.

Last week she had a melt down, and told me it would be good if I went to stay with our friend and her husband down the road, which I did. She and I had a conversation yesterday that totally blew me out of the water...

I did not have any clue why she asked me to go. Didn't see it coming, tore me slap up. Thank God my friend and her husband extended a warm welcome to me for the time that I need it or I would be a bag lady right now.

When I asked my sister what in the world happened to us, she informed me that she felt like I was just one more person to take care of. That I didn't do anything to help her and she just couldnt handle any more...

I guess I am still in shock. I don't know what she expected when she told me she wanted me to come up here, that she needed me, but I thought I did alot to help her. I surely tried, anyway.

We are very different people. I am 12 years her senior, raised 3 boys alone and very nearly didnt survive it. I have alot of health problems, struggle along the best I can. I sure as heck cant keep up with her though. But I tried, truly I did. I never asked her to do anything for me...I dont know where she is coming from. She and I see very different things...

I guess expectations and no communication are part of it...and it is extremely difficult to live with family let alone having 2 hens in the hen house...

I am just baffled. O w-hell....this is what I have learned...for the first time in my entire life, and I am over a half a century old, I want to live alone, in my own place. This is a first. I have never lived alone, never ever wanted to, been scared to. Not now....I need to...I am tired of tiptoeing on egg shells, trying to please people who can't be pleased. I need my own space where I can make my own rules, do what I want when I want if I want.

Maybe that was the whole point of this past few months, for me to reach the point that I am willing to live alone. I know there has to be a lesson in here somewhere because I believe everything happens in this world for a reason. And maybe it is time for me to find out that I can be ok and content by myself with God...then I don't have to end up being with someone because I need them. I can be with someone because I want to and I don't have to settle for whoever comes along because I'm desperate and needy and can't stand to be alone. What a concept...

At any rate, I am grateful. Once again, God has provided for me, and I have what I need today. God is good. I wouldnt change plaaces with my sister for all the money in this world, and today, I am glad to be me and not her.

Thanks for listening and God bless! A truly twisted sister

Where am I going and how do I get there?

Last year has ended and a new one arrived...can't help but wonder what is in store...

I find Life to hold so many hidden, unbidden twists and turns, rocks and rills, spills and thrills...One minute I live in one place, the next I live in another...Its just nuts. This gypsy thing I got going has gotta stop...

I wanna settle, in my own place with my own space, my own rules, my own decore...no more walking on egg shells, no more fear or insecure...no more screaming no more fights, no more chaos , no more pee on the toilet seats.

I just know God has a plan for me...I just wish He would burn a bush and reveal it straight out in English...

Hope springs eternal in this lost little soul...

a twisted sister forever

Its All About Me???

It has surely been too long again since I have entered the world of blogs...no excuses to offer...other than I can't stand whiners and I refuse to be one (to the best of my ability). Therefore I just plain dont blog, write letters, or do much talking if all I can come up with is whining. And NO, I don't serve Cheese with my whine either!

Lots of changes, just not the ones I want! Now isn't that just part of Life's humerous ironies?
I have gotten a part time job at a local craft store, 20-24 hours a week in probably the closest thing to heaven I have encountered here on earth...making $5.50/hour...now if I could just head out the door instead on out into the store to use my 20% discount when my shift is done I might actually accumulate a little cash!

I am saving to Go visit my son, who is stationed in Europe. Sent for a copy of my birth certificate in order to get a passport...have no idea if it will ever come to pass, but its fun to fantasize about.

My Florida friends have ceased communications with me which really hurts like hell...Reminds me of a song by Melissa Ethrage, . I just do not understand. I simply just have to let this go...here is the hard part tho...the only friend I have met up here, a lady named June, who is a therapist, and my friend, told me that right now its all about me...that until I learn to be contented within my own skin, I am at risk of jumping head-long into sick, needy relationships. The goal is to want to be with someone, rather than need to be with them...

Now, the cold cruel truth of the matter is, I cant even imagine reaching that point, much less have any idea just how to make it happen...I pray and pray and pray...all in God's time...yeah yeah...I know...

I told God, well, I asked Him/Her to please remove this loneliness and allow me to know internal comfort and peace, or please bring someone good for me into my life.Really, I don't think that is too much to ask...Hell, I even told God gender was not an issue, just some one who would be good to me and good for me, someone I can be good to and good for, someone sensitive, creative, honest, with a strong sense of spirituality, and humor.

In the mean time, according to June, its all about me...I was born a nurturer, and that comes natural until it comes to me...O well, this is starting to take on a whine flavor, thus, it is time to close.

Take good care, and thanks for listening/reading...
a sinceriously twisted sister!

The Broken Clock

I simply cannot believe that today is September 26th...guess I have been just too busy to notice the calender. As of today, I have been in my new place of residence for one month and 6 days! Amazing...given how I fretted over the move!

I truly love it here. Altho I must admit to struggling with loneliness from time to time.I am staying with my youngest sister and her family on a 30some acre farm, where 4 cows, approx 10 chickens, and a dog named Hunter live, out in the country. And to think of all the years I spent in hot and humid, flat and sandy, palmetto bug infested Florida...my my my.... I certainly identify with Oliver on Green Acres...haha

I have truly been trying to focus on the present. Letting go of the past with all of its bitter-sweet memories is not an easy matter. Sometimes I feel so alone in this dawgone world...People come and people go. I would be in one of those transition periods now. O well, I have so much more than that to be grateful for, and grateful I am. God has been good to me.

I have missed blogging and am gonna make a concerted effort to return to it. Take good care, all, until next time...
A twisted Sister

I Wish I Knew

Oh, I wish I knew
Just what I should do
And knew without question, it right.
Instead I just stew
About what I should do
Debating long into the night.
I pray and I pray
All long night and day
For serenity, courage, insight.
If God would just speak
No complaint would I eek,
Gladly I'd trudge without fight.
Make no mistake
in my boots i now quake
for darkness has swallowed the light.
Yes, I sure wish i knew
Which direction was true
So I'd take to the wing in sure flight.
msp 07/28/05