I Danced With Death and I Can't Forget...

The story I am about to tell is true. The names have not been changed to protect the innocent, for there were no innocents back then...this story is merely background for present occurences...
Back in 1996, April 16 to be exact, I had a 15 year old son named Chris...my youngest son whom I love with all my heart, but didnt like much. He was going thru a most obnoxious phase, was defiant, hateful and mean. I had had to resort to "Tough Love" measures to get him to comply with basic house rules of common curtesy, and it was not pretty.

I had also enrolled him in an outpatient drug treatment program, which he was truly thrilled about...NOT...because I suspected that along with his pot use, he was huffing...I couldnt imagine my sweet little boy being so ugly without some radical cause...

Anyway, our home front had become a war zone, and every day was a new or extended battle...he acted like he despised me through and through, and man, did it hurt. But I had to present a brave front and maintain the illusion of authority...probably the greatest challenge of my life.

Now picture this...a very handsome 15 year old, whom I removed from the 8th grade in Junior High because the illustrious powers that be in that noble institution kept suspending him for his loveliness, refused to attend adult ed classes for 3 hours a day, and refused to get a job. He refused to do anything at all but play his Nintendo, which I took away, watch TV, which I took away, get high and play with his obnoxious little friends, coming and going as he pleased while I was at work.

At one point, I tricked him, and took him to CrossWinds, a youth and mediation center, where he told the intake counselor when asked what the problem was, that his mother was a "FUCKING BITCH!"...that was to my face, and with all the venom and hatred he posessed in his eyes...

Ok, now you got the picture. I had been praying for a mighty long time for God to somehow intervene and help me with this young man...we needed a miracle...a big one at that...

I came home from work one day, to find Chris in his bedroom doing his thing, and I sat on his bed and very gently said to him, "Chris, I really need for you to do something here. Either go to school for a mere three hours a day or get a job. You cant just sit in this house and do nothing..."

Well, you would have thought I dropped a nuclear bomb on his head! He went slap bullistic...it just was unbelievable.... throwing stuff, kicking stuff, screaming obscenities. He finally tried to jump on his bike to leave and I grabbed his bike handle. After all, I bought that bike...and he wasn't gonna take it anywhere. He grabbed my arm and threw me off...that was it...I called 911. I needed reinforcements.

Cops arrived and one had Chris in one corner where Chris was swearing a blue streak and one had me in the other...The cop who was talking to me said," Lady, if he talkes to you like he is talking to us, you are within your rights to beat the shit out of him...Just dont leave any marks"

I put my hand up it that cop's face and said," I cant talk to you any more" and it was like a giant hand from heaven came down and reached into my body and grabbed all my strength. I experienced what felt like a white hot explosion in my chest, and dived at the couch, where I lost consciousness. I came to long enought to throw up all over, then I vaguely remember someone saying to me should we call an ambulance to which I think I said "No".

Next thing I remember, is a far away voice saying, "I can't get a blood pressure here!"

This is the long and short of it.... I had a massive heart attack that night, right in front of my most loveable son, and very nearly died. Had the one cop not called 911 and gotten the ambulance when he did, I would have died, as I had a total occlusion, and was in total arrest.
When they wheeled me out, past my son, who was pretty much in shock, I looked dead they tell me. I was unconscious and I dont recall.

Never again did my Baby Boy ever abuse me or disrespect me or look at me with hatred in his eyes. God knew it would take something big, and it sure enough did. And ultimately, I am grateful. There is nothing worse for this mother than for her own flesh and blood, in whom she has invested her blood, sweat and tears, and entire adult life, to look into her eyes with the ultimate contempt and hatred...for reasons unknown!

Ok, so now I have established that my heart attack was a blessing...and I truly see it as such. However, when one has such a close encounter with the Angel of Death, Life is never the same, in any way. Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually...everything takes on a different dimension.

Little irritations mean nothing any more, and little blessings mean everything. My body is not the same, as I lack the endurance and strength I once took such pride in. I am accutely aware that I live on borrowed time, and think of death often, daily. And when I don't feel well, I always think of death. Not that I am necessarily afraid of dying, because I'm not. I'm just not ready to leave my sons and my new grandson yet.

I have had alot of health problems since that heart attack, and every single one of my doctors have blamed my smoking...some politely, some very nastily attributing every single symptom to my own doing...with not an ounce of compassion or understanding what-so-ever.

Ok, so now I have quit smoking...7 weeks ago yesterday...and yesterday, I was sick sick sick...Had arrythmia,(irregular heart beats) nausea, shortness of breath...all the shit I'm not supposed to have now that I quit smoking...and I spent all day debating whether to go to the ER or give it a chance to pass...Wondering if this is IT, or am I exaggerating and panicking...wondering if I should call my son at work or call the ambulance!!! Wondering if I'm losing my mind or my life here!!! Since I danced with death once...I cant forget...

Today I feel a little better, but still have the arrythmia thing going on...but then I havent done anything but type this blog and tell this story...I supppose if things havent improved considerably by this evening, I'm gonna have to bite the bullet and seek out the very doctors I abhor...and taunt them with the fact that I am not smoking now so now what???

Thank you for listening...say a little prayer for me, if you are a praying person, and if not, just sent a well wish my way...I am sending one to you...may God bless you richly and give you a great day!