We Gets What We Needs...

It never ceases to amaze me that God gives me what I need, when I need it, whether I want it or not! What that says to me is that My God #1 Loves me very much, #2 Knows me through and through, and #3 Has an amazing sense of humor!

What in the world is this loony-tune woman talking about, you ask?

With a sheepish grin I will tell you.

First of all, in order to understand this, you will have to have read the rest of my blog. Since I have been up here with my son, since January, I have made one real friend...I will call her Debbie. I met Debbie in a AA room...we were at that time both living with sons, both struggling to adjust, had alot in common and became friends... We have alot in common so it is easy to talk to her.

Well, she has hooked up with this guy also in the program that she's moved in with, who has serious mental illness...untreated. Serious mental illness as in behavior that oh so closely resembles Borderline Personality Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Manic/Depressive Disorder and Paranoid Schizophrenia that it is frightening...

Now I am no doctor but...
This guy has serious issues that display in this out-of-control, over-the-top, rip-roaring, irrational, out-of-the-blue, off-the-wall, straight-jacket-to-padded-room-and bring-a-double-shot-of-thorazine-on-the-double rage that flares at the drop of a hat without warning, rhyme or reason. This is the kind of dude that goes "postal"...

Now, think about this...I just left a 6 year relationship with someone I love alot who was just like this...Whom I can no longer live with or cope with, but, whom I miss and yearn for...

And here I am, in a front row seat, watching Debbie and her scary boy-friend, seeing all the reasons why God removed me from that relationship, in 360 degree surround-sound living color...

It is impossible to live with someone who does not allow you to have your own feelings or needs. It is impossible to live with someone who is so insecure they cant bear to be out of your sight or for you to be out of theirs...ever. It is impossible to live with someone you are afraid will kill themselves or you at any given moment, such that when they go to the bathroom, you want them to leave the door open... It is impossible to live in fear such that you must walk on eggshells 24/7, and still never do it right....The list goes on and on....

So Why in the world did I stay 6 years, you ask? Well, first of all, I didnt see it in the beginning, and when you love someone and are committed and they get sick with, oh lets say cancer...do you just walk away? noooo... And I knew that above all things, Debbie did not deserve what made her the way she is. Debbie deserves to be loved and happy more than anyone I know. She is a tortured soul who doesnt deserve to be tortured...I love her. That's why I stayed...as long as I could.

I believe there are "absolutely NO accidents in God's World"...

I need to let go of the past and move forward...and Thank God for All His Blessings This Day!

Thanks for listening and God Bless!

"Borderline Chaos"

We're off the map and outta control...
Its a borderline moment and I hear thunder roll.
We're a nuclear reactor with a fuse lit to blow.
Where or when it ends up is impossible to know.
Raw feelings run rampant, rational thought goes awry.
No rhyme or reason, no answering why.
Confusion, contortion, distortion of word...
Twisted perceptions of anything heard.
Its a set up, a trap that is set to explode;
Unpredicatable rounds that go off then reload.
A war zone of nonsense predistined to hit
Where no game plan or strategy ever seems to fit.
I'm weary and wounded, bleeding, baffled and shot.
One moment things seem awesome
Then in an instant they've rot!
After each explosion, i wonder in pain...
How in the hell did we get here again?
Is it me? Am I crazy? What did I miss?
What in the world ever brought us to this?
Yep, we're off the map and sure outta control...
Its borderline chaos exacting its toll.
msp 03/04/02