Where do I go from here?

Life is full of little quirks...and God, as I understand Him today, has a sense of humor, allbeit one I dont always find amusing.

I received an email from the sister of my ex-husband, the father of my sons, today. Here is where God's sense of humor is a bit dicey, to say the least.

These are people who never lifted a finger to help with my sons nor their needs. They wouldnt even tell me where the dead-beat was so I could get child support.

These are people who built themselves up at my expense by constantly bragging and rubbing my nose in their good fortune and wealth, as I struggled to feed and provide for my boys. And freely criticized my house whenever they popped in, I might add.

This all took place between 1975 through 1982. A very long time ago, but I assure you, it still aches like an absessed tooth.

Now that my sons are raised and are adults, and the work is all done, they simply must pursue relationships with the nephews they love so very much and have missed more than words can express.

Oh, and did I mention that they told my oldest son how very dear I am to them and that they have always loved me? Whatever....

I have spent the past twenty years or so trying to muster up forgiveness for these people. And this is what I have discovered about me....not anything I am too proud of...but my forgiveness in this situation is conditional...as long as they stay the hell out of my face and my life (including my sons' lives) I forgive em just fine...

Part of the anger I feel is directed at me. Now, mind you, I wouldnt trade my sons in for anything, but I deeply regret making such a pitiful choice to father my children. Oh, and by the way, he walked out when my youngest son was just over a year old, just released from the hospital with a problem the doctors couldn't diagnose, with not a penny, no formula, no diapers, or food, and an empty gas tank. And he never looked back. Left the state and turned his back on us all.

I also feel deeply angry at myself for being unable to take care of myself with these horrible people. I just swallowed it all and tried harder and harder to kiss ass and win their approval, which , of course never came, until now... haha...who wants it now???

Son #1 says I should just be honest with her...my ex-sister-in-law. My response is what in the hell is that gonna accomplish? They are who they are, and nothing I can say or do is gonna change that. And I can guarantee there is no apology forthcoming...folks without consciounces dont feel regret and the words "I'm sorry" arent in their vocabularies. So what is the point?

I told my sons, all three, that they are adults now and able to make their own decisions. I will support them in whatever they decide. For now, thats as good as it gets. And my prayer today is not for them, but for me, and my sons...that I may forgive unconditionally and not feel any sense of disloyalty or betrayal as my sons incorporate their father's family and quite possibly their father into their lives, and that my sons be protected from further hurt, at the hands of these people.Total rejection and abandonment was enough, in my book.

Well, thats my story for today, and I am sticking to it...Thanks for listening
Lots of Luvs, This truly twisted sister